Monday, September 04, 2006

no reply

Well it has now been two days and I have not heard from him. I am assuming he is pissed and not going to reply at all. It makes me upset. He is the first guy that I have ever opened up to and told the truth to and this is the reaction I get. I don't blame him but we talked about alot of things that we planned to do together and I thought that being married wouldn't matter as long as he knew I would evetually be divorced.

I have to say I am truly heart broken. This man was my first gay crush, he was the one that made me realize that love can exist between two men, and now he is not even speaking to me. I have not been able to stop thinking about him even for one second.

I think my wife knows something is up. I have been depressed the past two days and she has been unusually nice to me. The little physical attraction that I had for her before yesterday is now gone completely. She wanted to have sex last night but I told her I was not feeling well. She will try again tonight and I don't know what I will say.

I thought about divorce alot today. The idea of telling her seems so simple at first. Then when I think about all the ramifications I don't know what to do. Not only will it break up our family, I will be alone. If I want to be near my kids, I will have no other family for emotional support as they are on the weast coast. Then I don't even know how my family will react. If you are divorcing because you discover you are indeed gay, there's no sticking your foot out the closet door to test the waters. When I come out to my wife, everyone will know soon after whether I want them to or not.

I don't know how much longer I can live this lie. Now that I know I am indeed gay I look at what my future might be and what it might not be. It's completly terrifying.