Sunday, September 03, 2006

I'm Gay

I came to a harsh realization today. It has been looming over me for sometime now. I knew that I have always had feelings of physical attraction towards other men. I never thought that I could feel emotionally towards a man, the way I did when I married my wife. That all changed this weekend.

I got a lump in my throat when I typed the subject line of this entry "I'm Gay". There it goes again.

I met a man, a wonderful man. I have never felt the way I feel about him towards any other man. It is a feeling that I have not had with my wife for many years now. When we first met I didn't tell him that I was married. I told him today and am waiting for a response. He mentioned that he does not date married guys. I can understand that. I would hate to lose him though. I only had the chance to spend a couple hours with him but I think I am in love with him. I am so nervous because I have not heard back from him since I emailed him with the truth.

Here's the hard part, I am not in love with my wife anymore and have not been for sometime now. I still care for her and hate to do this to her. To top it off we have two small children who I would never want to hurt. So the dilema is, do I stay for the sake of my kids or do I leave, refusing to live a lie.

I am torn and guess I am blogging about it to get some advice of people who may have gone through something like this.

Let me throw a little something else in the equation. I live in NE Ohio. Her family is here and my family is on the west coast. I have no family here besides my kids. If I stayI will not have a family support system to help me through.

And let's get real here for a minute all emotions aside. The guy I met, as wonderful as he is, I still don't really know him. I don't even know if he is still interested in seeing me.

God I am torn and want to break down and cry. I never intended for this to happen. Someone out there please offer me some wisdom and advice.


Blogger Shelly said...

It is a fairly new discovery, you should tell your wife that you have an attraction and feelings for a man. Lies will only snowball and make you ill. You have an obligation to your family to be honest;it may be difficult but the truth will set you free!
I wish you all the best.

9:03 AM  
Blogger JAK said...

Hey married, I just found your story, and wonder how it's going with you and yours. Did you divorce and move home. HVI isn't a death sentence, I've had it for 24 years. Its rare to get it with a single contact, and being gay is the only life I've ever known. I said a prayer for you, for peace of mind.

5:00 PM  
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12:15 AM  

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