Wednesday, November 01, 2006

A ton of bricks

The second time we met we had sex. I didn't use a condom. I trusted him and I know it sounds crazy only after 2 dates, but we had a connection unlike anything I had ever felt before. This was Tuesday. Afterwards we said our goodbyes and headed home. He lives almost two hours away from where I do and we ususally meet in the middle.

I called him Wednesday and he was obviously upset. I asked what was wrong and he said he didn't want to talk about it. He asked if I could meet hiom the next day (thursday) and I said ok.

I met him Thursday. We watched fottball game but I could tell something was troubling him. Finally he asked if I wanted to skip the game and go talk. I said yes. I don't remeber much about what we talked about besides that he told me he was tested for HIV and he got a false negative and he found out Wednesday, the day after we had unprotected sex that he was HIV positive.

That is something I never thought I would have to deal with. A married guy with two kids from a small town. I was shocked! Actually shocked is an understatement. The next day I made an appointment with our family doctor. She was the first person I came out to. I told her what had happened, and being a doctor in a small town where there are no people with HIV she had to call a doctor in a larger city to find out what our options were.

Before I went to my appointment I spent the whole morning sobbing. Not just sobbing but sobbing uncontrollably. I just kept thinking how could I do this. Yeah, I was from a small town, but I am educated. I know the risks of unprotected sex with a new partner. I could have put on a condom. There was even one available for me at the time.

I was put on a 28 day prescription of a cocktail of drugs that is supposed to block HIV if it is taken within 48 hours of exposure. I was so close to being within a couple hours past the deadline. I got the prescription and believe it or not my new friend came to be with me. He drove two hours to go get a baseline HIV test and to pick up my prescription and talk. There was some worry that the local pharmacy would not have the precription sonce there are not reported cases of HIV in the county, but luckily they did have it. It was $800.00 and thankfully my insurance paid all but $100.00. That is a whole other issue, the cost of life saving drugs.

All of this happening in a matter of a week and my wife had no idea what was going on in my life........

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

He replied!!!!!

I don't know if anyone is reading this. There are no comments, so I assume no, but I'll keep writing because it helps me.

You should know right now that my life has been a complete out of control train wreck in the past two months.

When last I left off over a month ago, I was waiting for a reply from my new friend. The day after I wrote that post I got a reply from him and he was interested in meeting again. I was Sooo happy and couldn't wait to see him again. I arrived at our meeting place and sat down at a table. I looked around for a moment and then I saw him. He was staring at me from across the room with those beautiful brown eyes and as soon as he saw me he smiled and so did I. His smile is like Heaven on earth. He is so cute that I could stare at his smile and his eyes all day.

We had a good time that night too good of a time if you know what I mean. It felt so right while it was happening but I always felt so guilty afterwards. We talked alot about our childhood, and backgrounds.

Neither one of us could understand what was going on here. I could definately tell that I was falling in love with him, but didn't want to say because it was only our second time together. I could tell he was feeling something also. Like we were meant to meet. Like fate had brought us together for some reason.

Ladies and gentleman please keep you hand and feet inside the vehicle while the ride is in motion. The ride is about to begin.........

Monday, September 04, 2006

no reply

Well it has now been two days and I have not heard from him. I am assuming he is pissed and not going to reply at all. It makes me upset. He is the first guy that I have ever opened up to and told the truth to and this is the reaction I get. I don't blame him but we talked about alot of things that we planned to do together and I thought that being married wouldn't matter as long as he knew I would evetually be divorced.

I have to say I am truly heart broken. This man was my first gay crush, he was the one that made me realize that love can exist between two men, and now he is not even speaking to me. I have not been able to stop thinking about him even for one second.

I think my wife knows something is up. I have been depressed the past two days and she has been unusually nice to me. The little physical attraction that I had for her before yesterday is now gone completely. She wanted to have sex last night but I told her I was not feeling well. She will try again tonight and I don't know what I will say.

I thought about divorce alot today. The idea of telling her seems so simple at first. Then when I think about all the ramifications I don't know what to do. Not only will it break up our family, I will be alone. If I want to be near my kids, I will have no other family for emotional support as they are on the weast coast. Then I don't even know how my family will react. If you are divorcing because you discover you are indeed gay, there's no sticking your foot out the closet door to test the waters. When I come out to my wife, everyone will know soon after whether I want them to or not.

I don't know how much longer I can live this lie. Now that I know I am indeed gay I look at what my future might be and what it might not be. It's completly terrifying.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

I'm Gay

I came to a harsh realization today. It has been looming over me for sometime now. I knew that I have always had feelings of physical attraction towards other men. I never thought that I could feel emotionally towards a man, the way I did when I married my wife. That all changed this weekend.

I got a lump in my throat when I typed the subject line of this entry "I'm Gay". There it goes again.

I met a man, a wonderful man. I have never felt the way I feel about him towards any other man. It is a feeling that I have not had with my wife for many years now. When we first met I didn't tell him that I was married. I told him today and am waiting for a response. He mentioned that he does not date married guys. I can understand that. I would hate to lose him though. I only had the chance to spend a couple hours with him but I think I am in love with him. I am so nervous because I have not heard back from him since I emailed him with the truth.

Here's the hard part, I am not in love with my wife anymore and have not been for sometime now. I still care for her and hate to do this to her. To top it off we have two small children who I would never want to hurt. So the dilema is, do I stay for the sake of my kids or do I leave, refusing to live a lie.

I am torn and guess I am blogging about it to get some advice of people who may have gone through something like this.

Let me throw a little something else in the equation. I live in NE Ohio. Her family is here and my family is on the west coast. I have no family here besides my kids. If I stayI will not have a family support system to help me through.

And let's get real here for a minute all emotions aside. The guy I met, as wonderful as he is, I still don't really know him. I don't even know if he is still interested in seeing me.

God I am torn and want to break down and cry. I never intended for this to happen. Someone out there please offer me some wisdom and advice.